As a kid growing up, I’ve always been fascinated by the phrase corporate world. The word corporate had an unfathomable aura, something unexplainably fascinating. Everyday the newspaper used to have news strips about corporate decision / law / policy / culture etc. But nobody could explain to me what it meant. I hate to admit it but even after being a part of the so called corporate world, I still do not understand what it really means. I have been observing a few behavioral patterns of people living in the corporate world, especially of the people who run the world (or atleast pretend to be running it). Although many properties change from corporation to corporation, the basic rules of the game remain the same. I’m trying to list down what my exposure to the corporate world has taught me. If a corporate manual was to be made for new recruits of a corporate world, what would it look like?
Presenting the a-b-c-d-e-f of the Corporate World.
Chapter 1 : Ways of 'tackling' an issue / problem.
1-a. avoid: Whenever u see your manager taking the stairs from the 12th floor and tells you it’s a healthy practice he’s giving you 2-b (refer below). Actually he’s avoiding his manager who’s waiting for the lift in the lobby.
1-b. bypass: If you observe a senior colleague being extra courteous to somebody else and saying things like ‘I’d love to do that but…….blah blah blah’ understand that he’s trying to take credit for willingness but skip that task.
1-c. confuse / criticize: You ask a question about a bolt and the answers shall have references to everything but the bolt (confuse) or your basic knowledge about the bolt is questioned (criticize).
1-d. delegate / deflect: When posed with a problem, choose a target and direct it towards them with ‘FYI-NA’ by e-mail or ‘Not my baby. Maybe it’s yours’ verbally.
1-e. ejaculate (no no…. We mean it as in exclaim with surprise): Time to witness some professional drama. The performance can put stage artists to shame. In the attempt to claim ignorance and run away from the problem, sometimes you get to hear idiotic reasons…something on the lines of saying “Who shit my pants?”
1-f. forward : The issue is forwarded to many people in the organization. Sometimes even the security and canteen services are included for no reason. Not to be confused with 1-d, which has a specific target(Bakra). In this, there is no target in particular. By all probabilities after the mail travels across 5 continents and through all levels of hierarchy it may come back to you. But you get time to work on it till it comes back.
Chapter 1 : Ways of 'tackling' an issue / problem.
1-a. avoid: Whenever u see your manager taking the stairs from the 12th floor and tells you it’s a healthy practice he’s giving you 2-b (refer below). Actually he’s avoiding his manager who’s waiting for the lift in the lobby.
1-b. bypass: If you observe a senior colleague being extra courteous to somebody else and saying things like ‘I’d love to do that but…….blah blah blah’ understand that he’s trying to take credit for willingness but skip that task.
1-c. confuse / criticize: You ask a question about a bolt and the answers shall have references to everything but the bolt (confuse) or your basic knowledge about the bolt is questioned (criticize).
1-d. delegate / deflect: When posed with a problem, choose a target and direct it towards them with ‘FYI-NA’ by e-mail or ‘Not my baby. Maybe it’s yours’ verbally.
1-e. ejaculate (no no…. We mean it as in exclaim with surprise): Time to witness some professional drama. The performance can put stage artists to shame. In the attempt to claim ignorance and run away from the problem, sometimes you get to hear idiotic reasons…something on the lines of saying “Who shit my pants?”
1-f. forward : The issue is forwarded to many people in the organization. Sometimes even the security and canteen services are included for no reason. Not to be confused with 1-d, which has a specific target(Bakra). In this, there is no target in particular. By all probabilities after the mail travels across 5 continents and through all levels of hierarchy it may come back to you. But you get time to work on it till it comes back.
Chapter 2: Corporate curse words
These are usually adjectives or interjection depending on the usage, used to emphasize, over-emphasize or dramatize a given situation. Never to be used to empathize with somebody.
2-a: asshole
2-b: Bull shit / Bastard
2-c: Chutia / crap
2-d: dumbass / dickhead
2-e: ediot (? help me out here)
2-f: If you don’t know a curse word with F already, pls get in touch with our HR rep, who will assist you with your resignation. We don’t think you have what it takes to stay in the corporate culture! Good luck with your future.
Note: These words can be suitably modified and combined for better results.
E.g: The adjective form of 2-f and noun form of 2-b is quite popular now a days.
Chapter 3: Corporate reasons of why something could not be done
These are usually adjectives or interjection depending on the usage, used to emphasize, over-emphasize or dramatize a given situation. Never to be used to empathize with somebody.
2-a: asshole
2-b: Bull shit / Bastard
2-c: Chutia / crap
2-d: dumbass / dickhead
2-e: ediot (? help me out here)
2-f: If you don’t know a curse word with F already, pls get in touch with our HR rep, who will assist you with your resignation. We don’t think you have what it takes to stay in the corporate culture! Good luck with your future.
Note: These words can be suitably modified and combined for better results.
E.g: The adjective form of 2-f and noun form of 2-b is quite popular now a days.
Chapter 3: Corporate reasons of why something could not be done
3-a : Away. E.g.: I was on trials in xxxx or I was at the client / customer / supplier end for a long time.
3-b: Busy. E.g.: I’m toooo busy ya. I’ve got 143 e-mails in my inbox! I still have not replied to the mail that Obama sent me.
3.c: Computer crash. E.g.: I was almost done with the ppt and the computer turned blue while saving the file. I got an error saying that the file is lost. :( Remind yourself of your cute dog which died recently. Sad face is very important.
3-d: Debate is on. E.g.: I have given multiple solutions to the problem. A debate on which method to adopt is underway.
3-e: e-mail not received. E.g. : Report? Which report? I didn’t get any intimation! or Ohhh… That report. I sent that last week itself. Did you not receive it?
3-f: Feedback awaited. E.g.: I have asked the Chief Engg / CEO / Director / Somebody imp for guidance. I’m still awaiting his feedback.
Chapter 4: Corporate buzz words & their meanings.
4-a: At the end today - I don’t care when your day ends. You are not going home before finishing this. Antonym of ASAP.
3-b: Busy. E.g.: I’m toooo busy ya. I’ve got 143 e-mails in my inbox! I still have not replied to the mail that Obama sent me.
3.c: Computer crash. E.g.: I was almost done with the ppt and the computer turned blue while saving the file. I got an error saying that the file is lost. :( Remind yourself of your cute dog which died recently. Sad face is very important.
3-d: Debate is on. E.g.: I have given multiple solutions to the problem. A debate on which method to adopt is underway.
3-e: e-mail not received. E.g. : Report? Which report? I didn’t get any intimation! or Ohhh… That report. I sent that last week itself. Did you not receive it?
3-f: Feedback awaited. E.g.: I have asked the Chief Engg / CEO / Director / Somebody imp for guidance. I’m still awaiting his feedback.
Chapter 4: Corporate buzz words & their meanings.
4-a: At the end today - I don’t care when your day ends. You are not going home before finishing this. Antonym of ASAP.
4-b: big picture – Pls don’t look at the reasons behind this. You are on a wild goose chase. In fact don't even expect a goose.
4-c: Core competency (ies) – We have no capabilities. We can do any kind of work that comes our way.
4-c: Core competency (ies) – We have no capabilities. We can do any kind of work that comes our way.
4-d: Difference in opinion - We had a heated argument. He pulled my collar. I kicked him in the groin. He’s gonna be on leave for a couple of days.
4-e: (from my) experience - I don’t know anything about this.
4-f: First thing tomorrow morning – Not gonna happen. Tomorrow never comes. Right?
4-g: going forward – Forget whatever happened so far. It was a mess. We can make a bigger mess out of it!
4-h: Hands on experience - Esp in the context of training. You will have nothing on your hands. It’ll be more like hands free experience.
4- i: If you ask me - If I have to say something…this is the most intelligent thing I can come up with.
4-j: Just in case; be cautious - In the words of Cypher in Matrix… “buckle your seat belts, Dorothy, 'coz Kansas is going bye-bye”. Rough times ahead!
4-k: King – Customer is king – The king is dumb and has a lot of money. Let’s make a sucker out of him.
4-l: logically speaking – There’s no logic here. No use speaking about it.
4-m: Minutes of meeting – Well that was a fun hour… Let’s write down what we should have done.
4-n: Next step – We don’t know how we got into this mess. Whom do we put the blame on?
4-o: Out of the box – Let’s go for some coffee or a smoke.
4-p: Process driven system oriented – I don’t know what the hell is going on. It has a mind of its own and I have no control over it.
4-q: Quite simple – Duh! Had it been simple why would anyone mention it?
4-r: Roles and responsibilities – Let’s define whose ass goes into the slammer if things go wrong.
4-s: social responsibility – The society is blaming us for not taking up any responsibility. We’ll have to take some now atleast.
4-t: Top of my mind – I have no mind and it’s open from the top. So don’t count on my methods.
4-u: Unparallels – Esp in the context of training “You go there for training. When you finish you will not have any unparallels” meaning you will be screwed up beyond repair.
4-v: Value addition - ???
4-w: win –win – win - We’ve been losing all this while. This time somehow we didn’t. Let’s celebrate!
4-x: We are a team – You work hard and I will help you take credit for it.
4-y: Young and energetic – I don’t want to waste my energy on this. You waste yours.
4-z: Zillion – I don’t know how to count.
Chapter 5 : Corporate Time pass.
5-a: Audit – A corporate drama where a specific group of people go around for some time pass. The employees who are being audited try to prove that they have been following something since 1948 even though the company was incorporated in 2001.
5-b: Brain storming – A high octane entertainment avenue where it’s a competition of “who’s the dumbest?” Size of the storm is inversely proportional to the size of the brain.
5-c: Cost reduction program – An initiative which may save Rs. 5 per week for 1 year at the cost of having wasted Rs. 5000 per day for 6 months.
5-d: Design review – A forum where people get to debate on the colour of components on the CAD models or font color of a report or something very important like that.
5-e: Executive meeting – Similar to brain storming but usually involves higher level people. So pizzas and snacks are included.
5-f: Face to face discussion – A method to take a break away from office. The reason can be as silly as eyeballing the secretary in the other building, sometimes in another city or country.
4-k: King – Customer is king – The king is dumb and has a lot of money. Let’s make a sucker out of him.
4-l: logically speaking – There’s no logic here. No use speaking about it.
4-m: Minutes of meeting – Well that was a fun hour… Let’s write down what we should have done.
4-n: Next step – We don’t know how we got into this mess. Whom do we put the blame on?
4-o: Out of the box – Let’s go for some coffee or a smoke.
4-p: Process driven system oriented – I don’t know what the hell is going on. It has a mind of its own and I have no control over it.
4-q: Quite simple – Duh! Had it been simple why would anyone mention it?
4-r: Roles and responsibilities – Let’s define whose ass goes into the slammer if things go wrong.
4-s: social responsibility – The society is blaming us for not taking up any responsibility. We’ll have to take some now atleast.
4-t: Top of my mind – I have no mind and it’s open from the top. So don’t count on my methods.
4-u: Unparallels – Esp in the context of training “You go there for training. When you finish you will not have any unparallels” meaning you will be screwed up beyond repair.
4-v: Value addition - ???
4-w: win –win – win - We’ve been losing all this while. This time somehow we didn’t. Let’s celebrate!
4-x: We are a team – You work hard and I will help you take credit for it.
4-y: Young and energetic – I don’t want to waste my energy on this. You waste yours.
4-z: Zillion – I don’t know how to count.
Chapter 5 : Corporate Time pass.
5-a: Audit – A corporate drama where a specific group of people go around for some time pass. The employees who are being audited try to prove that they have been following something since 1948 even though the company was incorporated in 2001.
5-b: Brain storming – A high octane entertainment avenue where it’s a competition of “who’s the dumbest?” Size of the storm is inversely proportional to the size of the brain.
5-c: Cost reduction program – An initiative which may save Rs. 5 per week for 1 year at the cost of having wasted Rs. 5000 per day for 6 months.
5-d: Design review – A forum where people get to debate on the colour of components on the CAD models or font color of a report or something very important like that.
5-e: Executive meeting – Similar to brain storming but usually involves higher level people. So pizzas and snacks are included.
5-f: Face to face discussion – A method to take a break away from office. The reason can be as silly as eyeballing the secretary in the other building, sometimes in another city or country.
Chapter 6 : BOSS
It’s a human like creature who exists to create problems in your life but still has complete control of your life in the corporate world. It’s somebody who Builds Opportunities for Self-Survival…..a blood sucking critter in short.
This species is usually prominent in the corporate environment. As a new employee you will not be able to boss anyone around, but you shall be fiddled with on a regular basis.
It’s a human like creature who exists to create problems in your life but still has complete control of your life in the corporate world. It’s somebody who Builds Opportunities for Self-Survival…..a blood sucking critter in short.
This species is usually prominent in the corporate environment. As a new employee you will not be able to boss anyone around, but you shall be fiddled with on a regular basis.
A few rules to remember.
Rule 1: Your boss might look like a mental retard, with short tousled hair, disheveled looks and behaves worse than he appears. But you must pretend to respect him and act elated in his benevolent presence.
Rule 2: Always agree to what he says. Information that you pass on to him will be taken casually. He might say ‘I know’ to everything; unless it has links to some serious issue which he is supposed to know, wherein he will say ‘I didn’t know’
E.g. :
You: An apple fell on Isaac Newton’s head and he discovered Gravity.
Boss: I know.
You: Oh?
Boss: In fact I was the one who threw the apple on his head!
You may be aware that he has no clue what gravity is and Newton is squirming in his grave on that remark of his. The only Isaac Newton he knows is Isahak from New-Town in Bhadravati. Yet you shall not catch his lie.
You shall say “Wow! Was it a green apple or a red apple?” instead of saying “Bull shit. Don’t give me that crap” (Another example of how words from Chapter 2 can be combined and used effectively)
Rule 3: Always laugh at his comments. Carefully listen to what he says. If he expects you to laugh, pls laugh. Not laughing at a joke(from his point of view) is an insult. If he doesn’t expect you to laugh, pls do not laugh. Laughing at something which was not supposed to be funny is a bigger insult!
Rule 4: Be safe than sorry. It is advisable to have suitable nicknames when you have to refer to your boss behind his back to curse him. Keep an assortment of names so that you can change frequently to avoid any doubts. E.g. Mental Manja, Auto Seena, Pappu, Gowda, Zamindar, minister, james bond etc….
Rule 4: Be safe than sorry. It is advisable to have suitable nicknames when you have to refer to your boss behind his back to curse him. Keep an assortment of names so that you can change frequently to avoid any doubts. E.g. Mental Manja, Auto Seena, Pappu, Gowda, Zamindar, minister, james bond etc….
Rule 5: Work as a team. Never expect to hear 'We' or 'Our team' when it's in an ocassion of taking credit of work or congratulating the team for successful completion of something. However the defensive statements against taking blame for a lousy job will have 'We' or 'The team' all over the place.
Self assessment test:
Imagine that you have received an email with the following.
“HOD asked PEM about the status of BOM for review in the PPDR of MTC uploaded in TCC. Get on to it ASAP and send a 1-liner to IS&S or FIN for the ECS of the PO against PI from xxx for the TC required for SOP in TCI by EOD. FYI & FU”
You don’t’ understand even a word, neither does your boss. What will be your next step?
If you can come up with a strategy to tackle the problem , use a few curse words, use the alibis and biz buzz words that we have listed in the manual and make your boss happy while giving him credit for it…..Welcome to the Corporate world!
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This is the end of the Rookie level Corporate Manual. Hope you have imbibed enough knowledge of the Corporate world. Manuals for the higher levels are still being compiled. We are debating on the material and are awaiting a feedback from our corporate publishers.We need your valuable feedback and ideas to help us improve. You can feed us in the back on feedback@corporateworld.com
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Cheers!
This is probably the longest post that I've published. The original idea was worth about 500 words. I got carried away and now it's close to 2000 words! If someone read it through completely...hats off to your patience. If you have more ideas for new 'chapters'...do lemme know.
Disclaimer: None of the examples, phrases, text extracts are mine. These are actual things that I have witnessed / experienced / heard / over-heard. The email also is an actual mail that I have preserved in my inbox.
Few of the ideas are from a friend of mine. We have a mutual © agreement. When one writes the other has the rights to copy! So I don't have to thank him in specific. It's understood :)
4 comments:
Very good stuff!!! You ought to break it down into two posts!!!
:-)
It could have been much better than this ! It is missing " that thing " what is normally seen when you talk about the same subjecT !!
Anyway good effort.
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"We are happy with your performance , but still there is scope for improvement. When you give 'something' that they are not expecting it 'delights' them "
enaadru nenapaayta ???
It is definetly not your best.. But a nice one to read.. Proves you are from an enginerring background as you talk about Bolts here as well...
:D
Awesomeness!
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